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August 7, 2012
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"Are you missing
anything?",
she sighed

-as she watched
the snow-ghosts
at night
with her hands
on the frozen
glass, leaving
fog prints
that pressed
and reached.

-as he sat quietly,
breathing in
that summer
rain.
:iconfallingasleeptonight:
A bit experimental, comments and criticisms always welcome :)
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:iconsunrayelle:
I love the feeling this poem evokes. I like the imagery, and how it's sort of open-ended what's being missed, a person, or an object, or a memory, or what, or if it was resolved. I like how you kept it consistent in the first lines- "-As she watched" and "-As he sat", continuing to finish the sentence from someone else's point of view.
I do remember feeling surprised and disappointed when it ended there after "summer rain", because the secodn verse was so much longer and detailed. The last verse, "as he sat quietly, breathing in that summer rain" doesn't necessarily need embellishing, but I think that either another sentece should be added to it with more description, or a verse should be added after it to keep up the rhythm that the longer verse started.
A poem should flow, and when it's done it shouldn't leave the reader lacking, either in message, or imagery, or in flow.

As for what's already written, it's beautiful!
What do you think?
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:iconsunrayelle:
~Sunrayelle Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I didn't mind the switch from the cold to summer, but I wish either that the last verse were longer, or there were another verse after it. It seems like it just stops abruptly when the flow/rhythm isn't finished.
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
*FallingAsleepTonight Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah I've been getting that, I'm going to edit this one. Thanks!
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:iconkittysib:
It's pretty!:D
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:iconazranoxx:
~AzraNoxx Sep 21, 2012  Student Writer
I like the imagery of the second verse...but the sudden switch to summer in the last verse is just confusing. Maybe there could be more to this one? Maybe I just don't get it.
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
*FallingAsleepTonight Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It was supposed to be sudden, but not jolting, I'll look back at it :)
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:iconazranoxx:
~AzraNoxx Sep 21, 2012  Student Writer
That's nice. ...to be honest it came way out of nowhere and disrupted things. It threw me well out of the poem which had very pretty imagery until then.
I hope that helps? I'm always sorry when things go out of shape. :)
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:iconsigma-echo-seven:
~Sigma-Echo-Seven Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
A clever dichotomy between the characters, expressed in such a short piece! Excellent work!
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
*FallingAsleepTonight Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :D
Reply
:iconfrizzymusicals:
~FRizzymusicals Aug 31, 2012  Student Writer
I like the way you wrote this piece. I liked the description of watch the lady was watching. Good work.
Reply
:iconfallingasleeptonight:
*FallingAsleepTonight Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
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