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Literature by FadingGrin


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Submitted on
September 21, 2012
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We are
in her hardwood apartment,
that we bought
because of the neighbors
and the windows
that light up
the dust on the floor.

She is kneeling
in front of
cardboard boxes,
sliding the knife
down the sides
with a paper sound.

And I am staring
into the empty rooms.

If she pushed
that boxcutter
into my lungs
the air would rush out
and say:

When you look at me
and bite your lip,
I see brown hair
and darker eyes.

And I would let her too
if it didn't
make such a mess
for the dust
and the neighbors
and the hardwood floor.
For the Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder contest held by #Penpa. The journal of which can be found here: [link]
This takes a different angle at the theme, describing how it feels to look for beauty that you may believe isn't there, and the emptiness that comes from it.
Comments and criticisms welcome as always :)
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:iconwillis-crisp:
#FightToWrite Critique

You've written a thought-provoking poem, laced with original concepts and excellent technique.

I liked the content of the poem, in its words, punctuation and style. However, I didn't quite realise the vision and purpose of your poem until I saw the description and read it through again. From there, it made sense. Using the 'empty rooms' metaphor helped with this as did the last stanza because it matched up with your overarching point that searching for a non-existent, shallow beauty will make you an empty person.

The fine balance you have struck between making your poem understandable yet not clichéd is a credit to the depth of this poem.

Secondly, the poem was highly original. I really liked your references to the 'cardboard box' and 'hardwood apartment', it subliminally built up the setting which eventually linked in to the meaning of the poem. In addition, it is also beautifully arranged. Some people might look down on your lack of consistent stanzas, however I feel that it is a strength in the poem because you've clearly wrote out the stanzas that way for effect and rhythm, for example:

"And I am staring
into the empty rooms."

I thought that was an excellent technique, combined with your original concepts it made for an impressionable poem. I would have given you 5 :star: for Impact, however I felt I only had the gist of the poem after reading it through again. Despite this, I think I will remember your poem for a while. Again, it really is a credit to your craftsmanship that I was affected by the poem even after reading it twice. Featured.
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:iconthe-poisioned-1:
the-poisioned-1 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
gorgeously lain out and it kept my attention and i enjoyed reading it
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012   Writer
Thank you!
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:iconthe-poisioned-1:
the-poisioned-1 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
anytime and im being honest when i say this it was wonderfully done ^_^
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:iconsumgie1:
sumgie1 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
Interesting. :)
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012   Writer
:)
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:iconalessaandra-the-fair:
Alessaandra-the-Fair Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like the first two verses a lot. I love them. I feel this immense potential for something beautiful. But my interest wanes a little bit at the thought of another way to say "I would die for you," which is what seems to come out of the third verse. And the brown hair and dark eyes seems pithy to me. Still, I enjoy the beginning SO MUCH!
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012   Writer
Thank you :) And it's meant to be more of a "don't look at what I'm actually thinking" phrase than a "die for you" phrase, but I can tweak it so it's more clear :)
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:iconkittysib:
KittySib Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
fascinating!:D
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:iconcrashmypartyhard:
crashmypartyhard Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i love it, it has a deeper meaning.
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012   Writer
Thanks!
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