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:iconfallingasleeptonight: More from FallingAsleepTonight


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Submitted on
November 1, 2012
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Her green circles
open wide and
her pitch black
mouths whisper
that your face
is close to her face-
it is close enough,
and that she
also said: "only
the hands", but
you chose to
forget, because
it feels better
this way and
what is wrong
with a hedon
who wants to be
sculpted
from gold
and loud music.
Something quick, nearly automatic. But I liked it because I think it has a bit more too it. I have a couple bigger poems that I'm mapping out, but I just love the unsuspected short piece :).
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:iconw-o-a-nderer:
w-o-a-nderer Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013
It just tumbles all the way to the end and the ending is impressive
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:iconcherrifae:
cherrifae Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
The ending is GREAT. I love the line breaks as well. I feel like it's tumbling quickly through the words. You have a way with cadence in these shorter pieces.
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:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
"what is wrong
with a hedon
who wants to be
sculpted
from gold
and loud music."
This is a very lovely ending. :coffeecup:
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Writer
Thank you kindly :)
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:iconprinceofelsinore:
PrinceofElsinore Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
This is a very intriguing piece! It drew me in and I had to read it several times to really get a sense for it. I love the ambiguity of "circles" and "mouths" rather than a more obvious choice. The line breaks are also very effective--I think they are what draws the reader on, like falling from one line to the next--and they give it the sort of hasty feel that is appropriate for the text. I especially love "only/the hands" :D I would only question "and that she/also said"--the grammatical structure makes the meaning a bit hard to follow, which in itself isn't bad if it's a conscious choice, but are the pitch black mouths whispering that she said that? Would it flow more smoothly to somehow eliminate the "that" and make the statement more directly? You can take the suggestion or leave it, but anyway, great work :)
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012   Writer
Thank you! Yeah, I'm really indecisive on the flow of these sorts of poems, since one innocuous word can make a big, even if only mechanical, difference.
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:iconprinceofelsinore:
PrinceofElsinore Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012
Yes, one little word can take a lot of thought... but, as long as you, as the author, have a reason for putting it there, that's what counts. I still think it's a great piece if you don't change anything.
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:iconwill7744:
Will7744 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Professional Writer
wrote a few of these when I was younger - this one's pretty good - called it my "linear phase" - form allows for breaking of prosaic poem in odd places for effect - particularly like the question you end the poem on - "what is wrong/with a hedon/who wants to be/sculpted/from gold/and loud music." strong - answer, of course, nothing
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012   Writer
I know what you mean, thanks!
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:iconmarianaerwin555:
MarianaErwin555 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
It must be a beautiful woman in your mind. Beautiful poem.
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