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:iconfallingasleeptonight: More from FallingAsleepTonight


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Poetry by 91816119


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Submitted on
October 29, 2012
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I found part of me by accident
in a Parisian cardboard box
with satin rags; purple ink
depicting people and clouds.
Tungsten from the wires
of lightbulb husks.

He kicked my hand when I pulled him out,
my fingers caught up in the blonde.

Here there are boys who count
the golden rings of Saturn,
and retinas that lick up the sunset.

Pictures of Japanese lanterns on the sea-crest
and swarms of orange fireflies.

Girls who do not dot
their I's with hearts,
and wait for iodine skies
with slow, dripping
thunder.
Trying to get my submission views back up to what they once were.

This is a bit tentative, as it's a tad out there (but has a direction and I like it), so comments and criticisms are very much welcome.
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:iconshadowdragon700:
I am not sure as to why you called this Second Sphere, but i'm sure you had your reason.
wonderful imagery. it makes me think of extraterrestial origins and plots.
the third stanza sounds odd. you have a nice rhythm with "Here there are boys who count/ the golden rings of Saturn" but then lose that rhythm in the wording of the next line. I'd suggest shortening it or adding a line to even it out.
it also makes me think that you are searching for some broken memories. memories of a time that one can not quite recall. like with amnesia.
nice ending though, it slows down the pace and makes one sort of melt off into the mind.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your fantastic work has been featured here!
I'd really appreciate if you could check out the other featured pieces and :+fav: the journal! :heart:
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013   Writer
Thank you kindly :)
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:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome :)
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful, you have such lovely imagery in this.

Congratulations on your DLD!
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. :)
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:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Congratulations on your DLD! :clap:
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
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:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013   Writer
This is gorgeous beyond belief. Congratulations on the DLD! :heart:
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013   Writer
Wow, this is a surprise. Thanks!
Reply
:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013   Writer
You're welcome. :)
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconstarshinexx:
starshinexx Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wish I could your way with words. wonderous.
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:iconyukimi8:
yukimi8 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
did u find a dog?
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012   Writer
Nope XP
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:iconyukimi8:
yukimi8 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ah lol im confused
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:iconunspecifiedunknown:
UnspecifiedUnknown Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012   Writer
"Girls who do not dot
their I's with hearts,
and wait for iodine skies
with slow, dripping
thunder."


you make hearts melt with those words of yours. :rose:
Reply
:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012   Writer
Thank you, that means a lot to hear :)
Reply
:iconwordweight:
WordWeight Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012  Student Writer
Very sweet writing :D
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012   Writer
Thanks :D
Reply
:icondoublethefun:
doublethefun Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012
nice work.
"iodine skies
with slow, dripping
thunder."
lovely imagery!
Reply
:icontsundoku:
tsundoku Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Student Writer
Your imagery is just too beautiful here to deny.
Reply
:iconobsidian-nightfall:
Obsidian-Nightfall Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Student Writer
Some interesting images here, really makes this piece stand out. Nice work.
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconobsidian-nightfall:
Obsidian-Nightfall Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Student Writer
My pleasure.
Reply
:iconkittysib:
KittySib Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012
Fascinating!:D
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012
I don't know what's happening in this one, but it's an interesting and suggestive journey.
Reply
:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012   Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:icondeviant-defaroe:
Deviant-Defaroe Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012
it's beautiful.
very, very beautiful :heart:
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012   Writer
Thank you :D
Reply
:icondeviant-defaroe:
Deviant-Defaroe Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012
anytime :D
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:iconwill7744:
Will7744 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Professional Writer
this is nicely done - you walk the razor's edge of calling too much attention to your imagery and manage not to fall - first two lines of 3rd stanza are particularly strong, second only to last two lines of the first one - strong ending - as an image "and retinas that lick up the sunset..." seems one too many bridges to cross, i.e. parts of eyeballs with tongues licking a fiery orb in the sky (imo) - it's the only real tin note here (again imo) - second and fourth stanzas break rhythm nicely but second stanza seems weaker to me image wise and in application - the logical disconnect of finding a part of yourself in stanza one then referring to that part in the third person "He kicked my hand ..." unnecessarily muddies things - also, blonde doesn't conjure enough implications to prevent reader from asking "blonde what?" - all easy to fix if you want - you got the chops - clean this up a bit and make it a cut stone - then keep challenging yourself
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012   Writer
I'll keep that in mind when I go to make revisions, thank you!
Reply
:iconreflectionsinwater:
reflectionsinwater Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very interesting. There's this dialogue between who is better than the other, and it is very well explored. What do the Japanese lanterns mean? I don't think I am able to relate to that quite well, but the rest is very well done :)
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012   Writer
My original idea with that passage is to be a bit exotic and outlandish in order to provide greater depth in contrast to the box stanza :)
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:iconaaron886:
aaron886 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012
Hey, look, literary talent. Rare on this website, I think.
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012   Writer
Thank you! Please review my other work when you can.
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:icondanny1210:
Danny1210 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
The flow just feels so nice and carries me through the poem. Really nice job. I'll be reading this a few times, that much is true...
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:iconfallingasleeptonight:
FallingAsleepTonight Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012   Writer
Thanks a bunch :)
Reply
:icondanny1210:
Danny1210 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
No problemo :)
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